Guess Jeans.....meant I guess I'm not that cool

Most people know that I'm not that big on clothes.  My co-workers can name all of the colors of my rotating 6 shirts.  My friends tease me about my "lesbian" boots, but I love them.  I hate shopping for clothes and I hate trying them on even more.  If I could wear a uniform to work, I would do it in a heart beat.  I still have clothes hanging in my closet from high school (14 years ago) and I still wear them.  If I find something I like then I try to get it in every color just to keep from trying on more clothes.  And I blame all of this on Guess jeans in sixth grade.

Guess jeans were the shit in the nineties.  I don't remember what else was popular during that time, but I know Guess jeans were important.  In sixth grade I wanted Guess jeans so badly.  I had struggled the prior two years trying to make friends at a new school.  Those Guess jeans were my in to the popular crowd....or so I thought.  I begged my mom to buy me a pair, which were probably around $50.  As a child with five siblings I imagine that was a crazy price for a pair of pants.  I would find it difficult to pay $50 for a pair of jeans now, as an adult.  But she got them for me.  I remember them very clearly.  They were a light blue jean color, with zips on the sides of the ankles.  And on the right left back pocket was that status symbol I wanted.  That little triangle of hopes and dreams. Those jeans fit like a glove.  I loved them and I'm sure I was beaming sunshine as I walked into my classroom that morning.  One of the popular girls noticed right away.  She asked, "New jeans?" but not in the way a friend would, in a Regina from Mean Girls bitchy way.  But that didn't knock me down.  I replied happily, "Yes, they are!  Do you like them?"  That was a mistake.  Asking her if she liked them?  What was I thinking?  The Guess jean serotonin chemicals flowing through my brain just could not be stopped.  The next thing she said changed my outlook on clothes.  "You probably sewed that Guess tag on a cheap pair of jeans just so you could have a pair."  Wow.  That may not sound that harsh now, but boy did it sting as a 12 year old girl.  It was at that point I realized I couldn't win and that I didn't even want to play the game. I don't remember what I said to her.  Probably something sarcastic. I just know I don't think I ever wore those jeans again.

And I'm pretty sure the next time I went shopping after that I picked out boy's shirts and track pants.  That's probably why I love my track pants so much now.  Perhaps one day I will find the love of clothes shopping like most women feel.  I don't know how to end this.  It seems like a really sad story.  So here's  a picture of the guess jeans I found on the internet and a picture of me from 7th grade to show how little I cared after that....

Nope that seems sadder....damn it now I will have to write a funny blog post just so you don't feel sad.  

Kindergarten genius (in first grade)

If you are fortunate enough to know my mom, you know that she is notoriously late to everything.  (She will be quick to blame my dad or my siblings or the traffic or the weather, but when it comes down to it she is the common denominator in tardiness)  Sorry Mom, you know we love you.

Anyway, I felt that needed to be said before this story-

In first grade I was supposed to go on a field trip somewhere downtown. Probably a museum.  When you are six years old, a 30-40 minute trip downtown seems like an eternity.  And in no way could you travel such a distance and catch up with your classmates if you missed the field trip bus. So on this day, we (myself, my older brother, and my mom) were running late, as usual.  I think we were late to school so often, that until I started riding the bus in 4th grade, I thought going to the office to get a slip of paper was just part of my day.
We were probably only 10 or 15 minutes late but the field trip bus had already left.  The decision was made to just let me sit in the kindergarten class until my class returned later that afternoon.  I went to Mrs. Haymaker's class and took a seat in the circle of kids on the floor.  We started doing numbers and colors, pasting and cutting, and I thought I was a GENIUS.  I knew ALL of that stuff.  I could color inside the lines with ease. This was AWESOME.  I started thinking of other ways I could return to kindergarten on various days so that I could show everyone how smart I was.  I was in super "I'm a pretty kitty" mode.  Then, disaster struck.  They came down and pulled me out of the class.  My parents had decided they would drive me to meet up with the field trip.  My genius streak was over.   And now I had to go on this 14 hour trip to downtown.

I did get to experience the euphoria of feeling like a genius again in 8th grade.  I had been absent and had to go make up a math test during my study hall.  Since I am such an awesome multi-tasker I was able to absorb the lesson being taught while simultaneously taking my test.  When I went to my math class later on I knew how to get the answers before the student teacher could get through the lesson.  And he too, thought I was a genius.

Now I will leave you with this picture of me from first grade.  You're welcome.

I'm back, and I've brought my childhood with me....

I either have a great memory or I am fantastic at using my imagination when it comes to memories of my childhood.  Many of them are vivid memories, like old episodes of Full House.  Over the past few years I have found that these stories, although sometimes sad or awkward, are hilarious to my friends.   I've decided it's time to bring this blog back, and let all of you know what is inside Hern's head, the childhood years (wonder years was already taken). I've made a list and will pick one memory (in no particular order) from my list to blog about every few days (I'm not committing to everyday.  I'm tired.  I'm doing P90X. I'm 31 now...you can't make me)

So here it is-  Memory # 1  Ghost in 3 men and a baby

I don't remember how old I was exactly.  I know we were still living in town so I was at most 8, but probably more like 6 when this happened.  My 2 older brothers were watching me while my mom went to pick up my dad from work.  We were watching 3 men and a Baby on VHS.  There is a scene in the movie where there appears to be a boy standing behind one of the curtains.  Now, I will let you in on a little secret.  I hate scary movies.  The Blair Witch Project gave me nightmares. I keep my cabinets shut as much as possible because of Paranormal Activity.  My eight year old asked me to cover up his television because he said his reflection looked like it had black eyes and I straight up agreed with him.  And I think I can trace this fear back to that 3 men and a baby scene.

So, the "legend" went that in this scene was the ghost of boy who died on the set.  And we watched it, over and over and over.  And then, my brothers decided to pause it on that scene.  And then go down to our neighbor's house to see if their copy of the movie had the same thing in it.  Apparently I was supposed to follow them?  But instead I stood there.  Frozen.  Staring at the "ghost". For 19 hours.  Ok, so it was probably like 2 minutes.

You can view this scene on you tube or somewhere online. I did read that what you see is actually a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson in a top hat. Damn it, I just googled the movie to make sure I spelled his name right and up popped a picture of the stupid ghost.  Well guess I'm not sleeping tonight.  Son of a bitch.

Birthday Eve

It's finally here.  The night before my 30th birthday.  I know some of you will have trouble sleeping tonight with the excitement running through your veins as you wait for the sun to rise so that you can finally celebrate the big day.

Usually, we, meaning the husband and I, leave town during this time of year.  It's almost never planned (there was the 1 month planned 2002 trip to Sandusky, Ohio for our first introduction to Cedar Point) and it's usually because we want to avoid the crazies that show up or come out of hiding for the Indy 500.  Sorry if you're a crazy.

I can't say for sure yet if we will or will not be travelling, since we've been known to decide to go somewhere on the day we go.  Roller coasters are fun, but as I get older the whole unbalanced equilibrium occurs and most of them end up making me nauseated, which is a very sad thing because I can remember when my parents couldn't ride certain rides because of this reason.  And I know understand why people prefer to lay on a beach,  margarita in hand.


So...I'm sure you are all dying to know about the list.  I was trying to avoid bringing it up but here it is....

I completed 8 things on my list at 100%.
I completed another 8 things partially (i.e. the debt payoff came in at around 80% of the goal).
I didn't complete the other 14 things in any way shape or form.

My excuses:
1.  I started this list in October, and I should have started it in May (duh)
2.  I accomplished other things that weren't on the list.
3.  I'm almost 30 so I don't move as fast as I used to.

I've been thinking about how I want to spend my 30th year and have gone back and forth between being amazingly productive and beyond belief lazy.  I've thought about writing a small book to cover my twenties and calling it "Hern, before the MBA" in which I highlight my struggles with education and life and the people I knew along the way, including a discussion question section for future book clubs.  I've thought about writing a 5 year plan, including a contingency plan if the world does indeed end this December.  I've thought about doing P90x and how all people will see me as a mermaid if I follow through with it.

I've done a good deal of thinking, which is normal since I do have my MBA.  And I finally came to the conclusion that I will decide what to do with my year as 30 when I wake up on Saturday morning, hung over, no doubt holding onto Marcel's toilet and using Jamie's extra toothbrush, uttering the phrase "One hand on the floor, one hand on the wall" while simultaneously thanking Jenee for not allowing us to eat White Castle the night before.

Um....it's been a little while since I posted on this blog.....to be continued

What happens when blogs are written while intoxicated (BUI: Blogging under the Influence)

Ha...so today Jenee updated her blog and I thought to myself, I really need to copy her and update my blog as well....Here is the post I started writing after having a day party for Jamie's birthday and then didn't think I was sober enough to actually post it.  I read it and it's not that bad and brought back some laughs:

A blog post dedicated to my friend Jamie (warning:  I may still be a little intoxicated as I write this)
Today I woke up at 7 AM (on a SATURDAY) to go meet my friends Jamie, Marcel, and Jenee to do some ZUMBA.  At this point I remember driving to Marcel's house and then driving to zumba and then doing zumba.  After that we went back to Jenee's and showered (separately) and then left to go have lunch and do a little shopping.  We also stopped at the liquor store.  And then we went back to Jenee's house.  From that point until we left Jenee's to go back to Marcel's the following things happened but I can't really tell you in what order:  Shots of tequilla, drinking barbara streisans,  watching my drunk kitchen, playing cards, trying to play liar's dice, watching you tube videos, watching Fallon's drunken kitchen videos, making a video about boiling water, getting hit by Jamie with her new shoes, more shots, more Barbara, petting Nora,  going to eat frozen yogurt, waiting for Marcel and Jamie to buy more liquor at Marsh, laughing a lot, Jamie giving me my phone that I left at the yogurt shop, somehow getting chocolate all over my shirt...

That was from January...fun times.

Hern: over-caffeinated?

I got a little off track on posting everyday.  In my defense I've been sick on and off for the last two weeks but I'm back now so you can relax.

For the last three days I've been suffering with a TERRIBLE headache, well more like three separate terrible headaches.  On Monday it started around 11 and stuck with me until about 8:30.  Tuesday's started about 9:30 and got really bad throughout the day.  I ended up going to bed when I got home and sleeping for 12 hours.  And today I made it until noon and then got hit again and it has been the worse so far.  At 3:30 I called my doctor because of the immense amount of pain throbbing through my veins.  I can't really remember what contractions feel like during child birth but I felt like my headache today was worse than those.  No amount of over the counter medication was doing anything to appease me.

I went home and got in the shower, turning the shower head on that spray option of one concentrated stream that usually hurts my skin.  I placed my head under it and didn't move.  It felt better, but I couldn't stand there forever.  I turned the shower into a bath and as my bath water was running the nurse called me back.  She said the doctor was renewing my prescription and that I could come by the office and pick it up, they were open until 8pm.  I laid in the bath for a little while with my ears under water and that felt better.

I drove to the doctor's office to pick up my prescription (it's a controlled substance so they couldn't just call it in to the pharmacy).  After waiting 15 minutes the doctor finally signed the damn thing and then I went to Walgreens to fill it.  After waiting another 15 minutes I got the goods and downed them with some orange juice.

It took about an hour and a half to feel some relief.  It still hurts slightly on the left side of my head but it is about 100 times better.  I watched Glee which put me in a better mood and then started doing some research online about headaches.....and as I was doing my research I came to a conclusion.  I'm not a stressed out person, my job isn't that stressful, I exercise, I eat pretty well, I'm generally an optimistic person, and I usually eat breakfast.  So what does that leave?  Caffeine addiction, majorly.

I think Monster is the cause of my headaches.  It fits so perfectly.  I don't wake up with headaches.  I get them at different times, but almost always at sometime in the morning or early afternoon.  I finish drinking my Monster at different times in the morning.  Yesterday I finished it before I even got to work.  And then I have another in the afternoon sometimes.  So now I will test my theory.

The problem is....one of the side effects of quitting caffeine is headaches.  Also - the meds I'm on are buthalibital/aspirin/CAFFEINE....but I'm only supposed to take them for three days.  My goal is to go 30 days without caffeine and see how I feel.  So for my friends and co-workers, sorry if I'm a bitch for the next 30 days....hopefully it will be the answer.  Also, I will be able to cross something else off of my 30 before 30 list.